


Graphene

by blingyeol



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-01 22:20:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2789750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blingyeol/pseuds/blingyeol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not easy, grasping what one really feels. And more so to fully accept that it's perfectly all right afterwards. Sungyeol is somewhere in between these two stages and he's dealing with it in his own awkward way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Graphene

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sasofy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasofy/gifts).



> written for 2014 Infinite Secret Santa \o/

The tall boy bursts into tears. Not just a tear or two, he sobs profoundly, face contorted and nose running. On one hand he feels like this is such a stupid thing to cry over, but at the same time he believes to have every right to do so. Last time he cried this much was probably over how unfair the world is, for no particular reason other than that he didn't get what he had imagined or wanted. So this is a slightly better opportunity to cry a small puddle over, Sungyeol figures.

When the sobs grow quieter and the tears run dry, then comes that kind of calming lethargy. Sometimes it's better to cry your heart out, just to feel the soothing illusion of peace when you have no strength left to continue. At the end of that short breakdown, Sungyeol feels like punching himself for how stupid he is. Instead, he decides to transform his anger into resolution and stuff it in his pockets to take it somewhere else. Somewhere useful.

 

***

 

"Still nothing?"

"Nope. You?" Sungjong responded automatically.

Sungyeol shook his head.

It sort of became their way of saying good morning whenever they met in the living room or kitchen for the first time that day. It had been approximately two weeks since Sungjong finished his year long hosting of a radio programme and slightly over three weeks since Sungyeol's last drama shooting took place. No schedule for either of them today, just like the many days before and possibly even after.

"Man, I'm hitting my mid-life crisis with all this sitting around."

Sungjong silently agreed with Sungyeol's complaint, but said nothing as his mouth was primarily preoccupied with chewing down his breakfast. They were almost missing the busy rookie days. Almost.

It was just a few weekends before Sungyeol will break down and cry over his stupidity and go out to mend broken strings, eventually. However it was not the beginning of the whole story, rather its pathway to the peak. They didn't know that yet, though.

What they did know was that passing time was extremely hard when you don't have a packed schedule and a manager to drive you through the stages of each day. It certainly wasn't the first experience with utter boredom for either of them, yet it is somehow worse than ever.

"Gonna watch TV," Sungyeol announced after hopelessly staring into the fridge for good five minutes and not particularly fancying any of its contents.

The living room was a mess. The far left corner was made into a temporary kingdom of Princess Wrinkle, a cat of Sungyeol's that lived up to her name with her wrinkly skin insted of fluffy fur. She went by the name of Wrinkle at first, but Myungsoo began calling her Princess at some point and now she registered that as her name instead. It had only been a few weeks since they moved her back into the dorms.

There was leftover cat food quite everywhere. The end table was nearly not visible under the amount of books, plates and whatnot. Sungyeol had to move a pile of dirty laundry to be able to plop down on the sofa.

As usual, quite a lot of channel changing had happened before he opted for some discovery channel programme talking about world's strongest materials, it would seem.

"… and the force required to break it is very high—higher than that necessary to break steel. For years, scientists didn't even believe that creating graphene was possible."

Boring, Sungyeol's mind evaluated but somehow his brain was still storing the information very carefully. Soon it's going to be very useful to him, after all – in one way or another.

 

Five characters were running through the upper tier of the pitch-dark dungeons, navigated by Sungyeol. He frantically looked into the map and then at the path in front of them again, but he simply has to admit he forgot what to do now.

"What now?" he asked the others but no one seemed especially cooperative. They all just stood there, pretending they don't speak his language. Next step would probably be one of them leaving, getting too annoyed by the slow pace.

He didn't get to know that though. Everything suddenly disappeared and Sungyeol was staring at the black screen of his laptop in absolute horror. He attacked the start up button and when nothing happened, proceeded to check the lamp on his table. Before rushing out of the room, he wasted a second cursing himself for leaving the battery out of his laptop.

What he found outside was Sungjong with a flashlight aimed at him as he approached closer.

"I was in a dungeon," Sungyeol whined towards the source of light, waving his hands about. "We were almost done too, now I'll have to queue again and-"

"You should seriously stop playing Warcraft," interrupted Sungjong. "And it's just a game, no reason to freak out like this."

"I'm not freaking out," Sungyeol protested while glaring at Sungjong who just didn't _get_ it at all. "And my game time's running out today, I'm sure that makes you happy."

"Not really," Sungjong said, "as you'll probably renew it tomorrow."

"I say the day after tomorrow," Woohyun jumped into the conversation out of nowhere, quite literally as there was still only darkness around them and a narrow flashlight lit hallway. "Let's bet on how fast the withdrawal will make him play again."

Sungjong considered this for a while. "Deal."

As it turned out soon afterwards, the power outage was Sungjong's fault. At least it happened to be him who triggered the bomb that was the bathroom light's bulb. Sungyeol continued glaring at him throughout the rest of the evening while Sungjong kept repeating it's not his fault the bulb just suddenly got tired of living.

When Sungyeol declared war again during the dinner, Sungjong cut off the non-verbal argument with a smile. "I love you too, _hyung_."

The sentence might have been let out of Sungjong's mouth with a tease, but reached Sungyeol's ears in quite a different tone. He didn't want it to, but the words were stubborn and they pounded through his ears, positioning him towards the pathway to the peak of this conflict.

 

Boring, Sungyeol's mind evaluated again, for the second time this week. But he refused to let any of the two idiots win any bet and decided he won't go playing computer games even though there was nothing better to do.

They slept, woke up, ate, watched stuff and slept again. And somewhere between the "slept" and "woke up" Sungjong developed a very inappropriate habit to crawl into Sungyeol's bed. Inappropriate because it was rather troublesome for the older boy to fall asleep with him this nearby, sometimes more near than near really – especially when he had vivid dreams or whatever caused him to roll around.

If asked, Sungyeol would probably say he needs the bed for himself and doesn't sleep well if he knows there's someone close by. Only he encountered no such problem when his brother used to do the same thing in their childhood. Nor did he have trouble falling asleep with all seven of the members lined next to each other back when they were trainees.

There were times when he thought about it. There were also times when he refused to ponder over such a stupid thing. Both of those times usually fell in between the long hours awake next to a certain soundly asleep boy.

"I'm not gay," Sungyeol would murmur angrily to silence his own trail of thoughts one evening. He'd get startled by his own voice seconds later, heart pounding fast and waiting for a stir of the body next to him or for Sungjong's voice. None of the expected happened.

Now he was thinking about it while pretending to watch a dull show. Unconsciously he started pulling at his ear and frowning. Even for him it was hard to say when did these thoughts decided to occupy his mind, plague it and create this escalating conflict. Saying when and why did they start growing stronger and more frequent was easier. Because they spent too much time at home, sometimes just the two of them.

There were a few key moments to this conflict though.

One. Sungjong had hugged him when he cried. Comforting hugs were viewed as something of the utmost importance to Lee Sungyeol, who considered them a sign of deepest love, in absolutely manly way, of course. He couldn't remember what he'd cried over back then, but he did recall the warmness of Sungjong's chest and his hands patting him awkwardly, but steadily. You could say it was one of those beginnings of a strong trust.

Two. Sungjong had seen him naked, quite naturally, considered they were all boys living in the same building for years. Rather unnaturally though, it made Sungyeol feel embarrassed. (He pretended not to see Sungjong at all if the boy decided to be naked anywhere in Sungyeol's vicinity.)

Three. He had enjoyed dancing and kissing Sungjong, which happened thanks to this brilliant idea the youngest one came up with one day. Sure enough, he had enjoyed it because it was crazy and fun and he likes doing crazy and fun things. It just didn't sound very plausible.

Number one was a beautiful memory of a great friendship, two and three were merely disturbing.

"I can't be gay," Sungyeol told the television screen, his body feeling heavy.

 

They slept, woke up, ate – and sometimes they got drunk because it slightly improved a dull evening.

Woohyun brought a whole army of bottles, some suspiciously resembling those Sungjong had clearly remembered seeing in the managers' apartment. There was plenty of _soju_ , beer, wine and a few Sungyeol never even tasted.

"We'll watch porn and get so wasted we'll probably even start making out with each other," the alcohol supplier announced, accompanied by a loud clanking as the box of bottles hit the floor.

He was not that far from truth, which made it all so worse for Sungyeol because he had to try and not think about that dreadful possibility throughout the whole evening. Or until he gets drunk enough to care.

It was just the three of them that evening – Myungsoo staying at his home more often than not and the other apartment being empty more often than not. Sungkyu and Dongwoo were on their military service and Hoya enjoyed a holiday at his home for a few weeks. It was just the three of them, but they made enough noise for all seven.

The moment Sungyeol realized watching porn is such a bad idea, it was too late and instead of rushing to the bathroom he opted for another bottle of soju. At that moment his head was still alarmingly clear and bugging him with odd, disturbing thoughts. Like, what if another man appeared in the movie and it turned into gay porn. He shuddered at the idea.

Woohyun started laughing hysterically when the heroine seductively touched her breasts, and no one really knew why but they both joined in.

It wasn't such a bad idea, Sungyeol realized in exhilaration after finishing a bottle of beer, why did I think it was a bad idea?

And then he found himself contradicting the first part of his previous statement, and explaining the second – he leaned closer to Sungjong and kissed him.

The room was a mix of scents. There was smell of fried chicken and alcohol being breathed out of their mouths. Sungyeol could taste it off Sungjong as their lips touched. He could feel the softness of his lips, feel them hesitate a bit before parting. He could taste the sweet liqueur on his tongue. But there was also an unpleasant faint smell crawling up slowly from his groin and a twitching pain snapping him out of this insanity.

Sungyeol pulled away, breathing heavily and staring into the ground. "Oh god," he said and cleared his throat because it came out somewhat croaky. "This is just so gross. This is all your fault anyway," he then declared while glaring at Woohyun.

Woohyun didn't seem to make anything of Sungyeol's accusation, he just smiled at him knowingly. Almost arrogantly. Sungyeol bit his lower lip. He felt light-headed and hot and still didn't look at Sungjong.

"Let's sleep and forget this horror," he spoke to the checkered carpet.

 

The alarm clock stated it's 5:30 and Sungyeol wasn't quite sure if it means in the morning or in the afternoon. The lowered blinds didn't let out any light so he was convinced he must have slept through whole day and into another morning. But it was just early winter with sunsets coming earlier almost every day.

The hangover was quite bad. His mind felt blank, except a certain moment that came haunting him the very second he regained consciousness. The headache was too severe for him to thoroughly think it through, so he just sat in the bed and replayed the kiss, quite a few times before it started feeling too devastating.

He was alone in the room. Wherever Sungjong slept tonight, it wasn't his own nor Sungyeol's bed. Maybe he was the only one who even got into bed, Sungyeol speculated. Come to think of it he wasn't even sure  _how_ did he end up in a bed. At least he was still wearing the same clothes, since wondering how did he manage to undress would be too much already.

Sitting silently by the kitchen table was Woohyun, nibbling on his dinner or rather breakfast. Sungyeol sullenly greeted him and slouched on the chair next to him.

"I fell asleep in the bathroom," Woohyun confessed with a hint of smile playing upon his lips. "I'm not sure yesterday was such a great idea anymore."

Neither was Sungyeol. "For the first time in past weeks I'm glad there's no schedule today."

"Did you see Sungjong?" Woohyun inquired. "I woke up and he was gone."

"Nope." Sungyeol would rather converse just about everything except Sungjong.

And then he realizes he can't. "I kissed him," he announced blankly, shoulders hunched and eyes fixated on the table.

"Yeah, you did," agreed Woohyun. "Well I kissed my cousin once, in junior high. Went on my first date and wanted to practice before."

"You," Sungyeol glanced up at him. "did what?"

"Kissed my cousin," Woohyun repeated in the same manner as if he was pointing out they're out of milk.

"That's different though," Sungyeol decided, frowning. Why exactly it was so different, he couldn't say. He was drunk and drunk people do weird stuff, that was what he told himself a moment ago. Now he wasn't quite so sure anymore.

"Did you like it?"

There's so much wrong with the question Sungyeol didn't know how to react. His first reflex, after he closed his mouth that dropped open, was to call Woohyun an idiot and probably burst into stuttering denials. However before he could do any of that, they heard the front door being opened and Myungsoo appears around the corner.

"Jesus, you two look awful," he commented, eyebrows disappearing in his overly grown fringe.

Woohyun smiled at him. "It's nice to see you too."

 

There were pros and cons of Myungsoo moving back to the dorms. The biggest asset Sungyeol saw in the simple fact that being there meant talking to him and generally being distracted. Distraction was good for both the no schedule depression syndrom and his internal conflict and on-going persuasions that _he's not gay_.

An overwhelming disadvantage of Myungsoo joining their no schedule club for the time being appeared exactly a week later.

Since the time he voiced out the words  _I kissed him_ back then, Sungyeol didn't tell anyone nor was it brought up when talking with Sungjong. It was possible that Sungjong didn't remember a thing, although judging from how little they spoke to each other lately, Sungyeol would bet against it.

At first he was quite determined to never speak about it at all, yet somehow he was telling it all, with greater detail than he ever had intended. Myungsoo didn't pry it out of him in any way, mostly he just sat there and stared a whole into his soul. Truth was, Sungyeol realized he did need to discuss it with someone – preferably not Woohyun and positively not Sungjong himself – and that encouraged him to talk.

"And the worst is," Sungyeol sighed, sitting slouched again, "that I keep thinking about it."

_And the worst is that I keep thinking I didn't dislike it as much as I should have,_ Sungyeol admitted to himself and waited for Myungsoo to ask him about it.

"Well." Myungsoo did not ask, he just stated a thing. "I've read somewhere you can discover your sexuality in later years too."

"No, no," Sungyeol protested and presented his favourite statement. "I can't be gay."

Myungsoo shrugged his shoulders. "Gay, bi, pansexual, whatever you are. What bothers me more, how the hell do you fall in love with someone you live with for over 7 years?"

"Pansexual? No wait, I don't want to know. Where do you read all this shit?"

"Man, you're hopeless." Myungsoo rolled his eyes and after a bit of rummaging he tossed him a magazine. "As much as I'd like to tell you go google it, feels more appropriate."

Sungyeol reluctantly picked up the magazine called  _Buddy_ and read the headlines. As he did so, his eyebrows kept frowning and shooting up in turns.

"It's a pretty old thing, back from the 90s. But you're just as clueless and stuck as people back then, so I figured it's the best idea."

Part of him wanted to ask why in the world does Myungsoo own such a thing while the other part decided he'd rather stay with labeling it with just  _Myungsoo's weird._

 

After Sungyeol's little confession time, it was all just one huge disadvantage having Myungsoo there. Particularly to Sungyeol's mind which was doing progress in the most awkward way. Like assuming that confronting Sungjong and snapping at him was showing affection.

If, with reasonable aftermath, he had shouted out "I love you" or at least an awkward "I liked kissing you", it could count as such. The problem was, Lee Sungyeol came to the kitchen to utter "You're giving me a headache" brusquely and in a slightly raised voice and left right afterwards. Sungjong sat there, befuddled.

And Myungsoo would scold him. And Sungyeol would curse himself for even telling him. And he would spend hours chewing his nails absent-mindedly, alternately deciding to just confess and proceeding onto listing all the possible negative results. One such was leaving Sungjong in utter disgust, losing a friend and planting eternal awkwardness between them. The other was Sungjong confessing back and all the problems that would arose from there onwards.

 

In the end Sungjong was the confrontation-starter. It was rather inevitable, really. Sungyeol kept acting strange, not talking to him for days sometimes and being positively sure Sungjong is oblivious to his struggles. He was not.

"Sungyeol," he asked, "do you love me?"

There was not much of a response at first, as the respondent was caught off-guard and absolutely clueless about how to continue this conversation. They were sitting in a car, ready for their first schedule in weeks and waiting for the manager and Myungsoo.

Sungyeol felt the blood rushing to his cheeks and fearing it will show, he quickly blurted out: "Of course not." He smiled falsely. "It would be gross to love a boy – a bandmate on top of that, right?"

To his defense, Sungyeol regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth, much possibly even before they did. He had been at that stage already and the next one was suppossed to be sincerity, but he screwed up.

He knew that he screwed up a lot when all Sungjong had as an answer was a lifeless "I see." It wasn't that kind of _I see_ you say when someone explains things to you. It was the kind to be used when there's nothing else to say. And it felt painful and disappointing, the way a breaking friendship does.

 

***

 

There should have been happiness, euphoria even, over the pleasant feeling of being busy that day. Yet all Sungyeol wants is to get back home, lock himself up and vent out the anger and pain. He can't look at Sungjong, who's acting far more professional during the shooting than his own poor attempts to smile sincerely. Sungyeol sees the sadness in the boy's eyes nevertheless.

The moment his wish to be alone comes true, Sungyeol doesn't scream nor punch things, even though he feels angry at everything and himself the most. He cries.

And so, when he stops and gathers his determination to mend what he screwed up, he feels a lot better. Until he opens the door to Myungsoo's room – where Sungjong has been staying for quite some time now – and finds his half of the room tidied up and empty.

"He said he's moving downstairs," Myungsoo informs him and takes a breath to say more, but Sungyeol is already hurrying out.

He stops on the stairs outside their apartment to think. And goes back after a while, with a plan of some sorts.

 

_Our friendship,_ Sungyeol writes and pauses. He's no poet, last time he attempted something slightly more artistic than text messages was probably during school days. Sitting at a desk with paper and pencil in front of him, window open to let a chilly wind freshen his mind feels awkward if not stupid.

_Our friendship is like a rainbow in storm_ , he thinks and imagines Woohyun voicing that out, with his usual half-moon smile, forming a heart with is hands. Sungyeol wrinkles his nose.

There has to be something less corny, more original and yet still convincing of his feelings. Song lyrics are always a good idea, Sungyeol considers. But that's not him.

And then his brain prompts a certain discovery channel programme it managed to store for weeks without his consent or knowledge, up until this moment.

_Our friendship is like graphene._ No, he decides and picks up an eraser.  _Our friendship_ , he finally concludes,  _is something that's held together by a string made of graphene._

Sungyeol looks over his sentence, grinning in satisfaction. The rest comes easy.  _It's held together by the world's strongest material, that is very hard to break – harder than diamonds! Which is why I think it can't be destroyed easily. Graphene is also challenging to manufacture and so it would be a pity to throw away, don't you think?_

After a considerable time, in which Sungyeol chews on his eraser, he deletes the  _friendship_ and replaces it with  _love_ .

 

The next morning Sungyeol sneaks out of the apartment at an ungodly hour and leaves the note in the fridge downstairs, hidden under a bottle of milk.  _I hope he feels like milk today_ , he thinks.

Thankfully, Sungjong did notice the paper sticking out from beneath the bottle because there was a reply on it now. Sungyeol finds it in the early afternoon, after a few hours of hiding in his room and waiting for the door snap implying the other boy just left.

_Some scientists also say that graphene is rubbish and shouldn't exist_ , Sungjong's sarcastic respond states.

Sungyeol refuses to lose this argument.  _But it's important to note how useful it is – It can make computer chips faster or solar cells more efficient._

He also hopes Sungjong won't look up any more stuff because this is where his knowledge about this highly odd material reaches its limits.

 

It's way past sunset when the door snaps shut behind Sungjong and he spots the now a little crumpled note on the shoe rack. Reading it through his way to the living room, he raises eyebrows at the paper, starting to form a small grudge against it.

_Are we still talking about our relationship or have we jumped straight into a scientific debate about graphene?_ Sungjong scribbles rather hastily at the end table.

 

Next time Sungyeol gathers courage and gets out of his comfort zone, he has no plan whatsoever. So far he's just standing in front of the apartment, hand on the doorknob and eyes closed. After taking a deep breath – still without any idea of what he's going to do or say – Sungyeol enters.

His eyes find Sungjong sitting on the sofa, playing with his phone. There's also Howon inconveniently close and inconveniently without headphones that would at least make him deaf to whatever might be said.

Sungyeol is rather sure he must reek of nervousness and incertainty, and maybe he's right because Howon stops walking through the hallway and freezes on the spot, staring at him.

"I have to talk to him," Sungyeol says as calmly as he can. "Alone."

Howon nods and proceeds to pick up a few things before weaving his way around Sungyeol. "Just not my bed please," he whispers close to him.

Sungyeol turns around, frowning a bit and about to inquire but the door is already slowly closing behind Howon. This isn't the first time Sungyeol has a sneaky feeling that everyone around him knows about his crush – knew about it all this time, long before he was sure of it himself.

The first time Sungjong reluctantly looks up at him is when he carefully sits down next to him. Sungyeol meets his eyes and manages a faint smile, hands folded in his lap to hide any possible shakiness.

"What was the whole graphene thing?" Sungjong asks and it doesn't sound half as angry as Sungyeol expected him to sound, which is a good start.

"It was stupid, wasn't it?" He still believes it was a brilliant idea, but for now it's best to be as humble as possible, he decides. "What I meant to say – what I was suppossed to say, a long time ago already, is that-

-is that I have feelings for you," Sungyeol finishes after a palpable pause in which it's hard to speak because his throat is too tight. Without looking at Sungjong or giving him the tiniest chance to speak, he continues with a newly gained willpower to get it all out. "And I thought this love is gross and that I should be ashamed for it and not admit it, not even to myself."

At that, Sungjong smiles and reaches out to touch his hand, gently at first and then squeezing it a bit . "There's no love that could possibly be gross."

Sungyeol's lips part, opening and closing a few times as if gasping for air. He struggles to find the right words, but despite that he feels himself letting out a huge breath.

"Unless," Sungjong goes on, while still holding his hand and playing with his fingers until they're laced together. "Unless it's a deviant kind of love. So I hope you're not planning on tying me up and beating me without my consent."

The stiffness is broken down for good by their joined laughter.

"I promise," Sungyeol says with his usual mischievous smile back, "that I will ask for your consent first."

It might take some time before they can casually whisper "I love you" to each other or hold hands and kiss without seeking the other's permission first. For now, they have plenty of time to talk. And talk they do. About how long this might have been going without any of them knowing – especially with Sungyeol being clueless and in denial for the longest time possible, and Sungjong can't refrain from making fun of it.

It's not yet quite natural for them, but when Sungjong's fingertips crawl into Sungyeol's hair and he pulls him in for a kiss, they feel infinitely euphoric.


End file.
